Survive
by RobinRocks
Summary: LelouchxSuzaku/SuzakuxLelouch. "It wasn't a suggestion, Suzaku. It was an order." For AutumnDynasty. Threeshot. COMPLETE.
1. Survive

Yayz! _Code Geass_ FTW!

Originally I'd planned to do a _Code Geass_ fic at some point anyway, because _Code Geass_ is just so f-cking _good_, but then **AutumnDynasty** demanded that I write a LelouchxSuzaku (or was it SuzakuxLelouch?), and today is her birthday, so I pulled this together for her. :)

For the record, it turned out a lot longer than I had originally intended, but that's okay. I like how it came out. And honestly, Lelouch might have a rather large choice of girls to pick from (CC, Shirley, Kallen), but he's quite clearly into Suzaku.

I rest my case.

(To **Narroch**: GO AWAY. This will spoil half the series for you.)

Survive

_It wasn't a suggestion, Suzaku; it was an order._

Lelouch stifled a yawn as he gazed out of the classroom window, the teacher a dull drone in the background; it was a warm afternoon, which wasn't helping. He was having trouble keeping his eyes open, and he wasn't the only one.

Across from him, Shirley was drowsily braiding a strand of her auburn hair, sunk low in her chair; Kallen was resting her head in her hands, her azure eyes half-closed. Even the usually-alert Nina looked as though she was about to collapse sideways out of her chair onto the floor.

Averting his gaze from them, Lelouch glanced ahead, his violet eyes settled on Suzaku. Maybe it was just because he was in the army, but he was the only one in the class sitting bolt upright, green eyes focused and alert.

That had to be it. This class couldn't possibly _interest_ him…

What was he to do about dear Suzaku, at any rate? Dear Suzaku, his childhood friend, the one he would choose to keep close as his friend even all these years later, closer still as Nunally's knight, even though he was an Eleven…

Not that that mattered to Lelouch – he cared little for the blood that coursed through Suzaku's veins, though was certain, if it came to that, it would run as red as anyone else's…

Besides, he was Zero, using CC's gift of utmost control over others to help and liberate the crushed and downtrodden Elevens, to help Suzaku's people though it was not really his business to—

No. Eleven. That wasn't right. It was the _law_, but it wasn't right. Suzaku wasn't a number; he was _Japanese_.

He was also the pilot of that damned white armour; that blasted Lancelot, the metal-flash of which sent Kallen's blood bubbling to near-boiling point…

Kallen knew now, too. She didn't know that Lelouch was Zero, but she sure as hell knew that Suzaku was the pilot of the Lancelot, which caused Lelouch himself to exercise caution in watching over her. Kallen had her wilder moments; she probably wouldn't think twice about plunging a knife through Suzaku's throat, had she only the opportunity.

Lelouch didn't want her doing that.

Class came to a close and everyone rose from their seats in a drowsy-yet-relieved manner, shoving books and pens into bags and clattering from the room, the chatter incessant and garbled due to so many voices talking at once.

Lelouch noticed Shirley loitering by the door, Nina close at hand, and hung back, not wanting to have to interact with her. It was hard to be around Shirley these days; he'd only wiped her memory to ease her pain, but even now the pangs of guilt were acute and sharp when he looked in her direction.

He hadn't _meant_ to kill her father, after all.

Besides that, she seemed warier of him of late; her gaze often perplexed, even accusing, when she laid it upon him. Maybe she'd retained threads of memory that made it so she still knew, somehow, that he was involved with the things happening around her.

Eventually she got tired of waiting and turned on her heel, auburn hair swinging down her back as she stalked from the room, Nina scurrying behind her. Kallen had already left, too.

"What is it with you and Shirley these days, anyway?"

Lelouch started, hearing Suzaku address him from behind; looking over his shoulder at the other boy, whose head was tilted a little to one side, gold sunlight glimmering on the surface of his mahogany hair.

"Shirley?" Lelouch repeated; he turned away to close his bag and sling it over his shoulder.

"You don't speak to one another anymore," Suzaku said.

"Does that matter?" Lelouch asked coolly, starting to leave the classroom, Suzaku close behind him.

"You used to be such good friends."

"Girls, Suzaku." Lelouch shot him a look. "You know what they're like. They start hating you for something you apparently did, but you don't know what it is."

Suzaku blinked.

"I… I, uh, didn't think Shirley was like that."

"They're _all_ like that."

_And then there's CC…_

Lelouch turned away from the other boy, starting to walk away.

"See you later."

"H-hey! Where are you going?" Suzaku called after him. "Milly called a Student Council meeting, remember?"

Lelouch paused, though did not turn back.

"I'm not going," he said, starting to walk again. "I have things to do."

"Like _what_?" Suzaku aborted his own direction and started after Lelouch. "Come on, you know Milly will just get pissed at you if you don't show up…"

He caught the dark-haired boy up, catching his wrist; Lelouch whipped around to face him, pulling his arm loose as he did so, as though Suzaku's touch had burned him.

"Hey…" Suzaku gave him a half-smile, clearly bewildered by his behaviour.

"Don't, Suzaku. I said I'm not going." Lelouch gave a small toss of his head to sweep some of his hair from his amethyst eyes. "I don't care about Milly."

"Is this about Shirley?"

"No," Lelouch bit out. "I don't care about her either."

"Then… could you come for me?" Suzaku asked, his voice a little softer.

Lelouch blinked at him.

"Excuse me?"

"The cat," Suzaku explained; and then he gave an abashed little laugh. "I need someone to rescue me from Arthur."

Lelouch snorted, almost smiled himself; and then caught himself, recomposing his demeanour.

"I'm sorry, Suzaku, but I'm busy right now."

He knew Suzaku would never ask where he was going or what "things" he had to attend to; curious as he might have been, Suzaku had secrets of his own, so he respected other people's.

That in mind, Lelouch started off again, hoping Suzaku wasn't going to grab him a second time.

Suzaku did; grasping the back of his uniform this time so that he could turn him around to face him once more.

"Suzaku, _what—_?"

Lelouch cut himself off abruptly, shocked to find Suzaku's face so close to his own. What… what was he thinking? What was he going to _do_…?

_His eye._

Both of Suzaku's jade eyes were fixed on Lelouch's left violet orb, his gaze very intent, as though he was…

…_searching for something_.

Lelouch barely dared to draw a breath. No doubt that Suzaku's attention was riveted to the very eye from which the power of Geass was unleashed – the violet that bled crimson under his will, forcing others to come under his will too.

He'd never wanted to use it on Suzaku; there were a lot of people he'd never wanted to use it on, though he'd been forced to – Shirley, hell, even _himself_…

But Suzaku most of all.

Yet he had. Last night, he'd used it on Suzaku, forced the boy to bend to _his_ will and not his own…

And _because_ of that – and _only_ because of that – Suzaku now stood before him, staring into the eye that had enslaved him.

He felt the cool tips of Suzaku's slender fingers (pilot's fingers) touch his cheek, just beneath that eye, and shuddered a little at the touch. What was that? Fear? Revulsion? Anticipation?

And then, his own gaze fixated on his friend, he saw the brunette boy's lips move, forming a single word.

Two syllables; no sound.

_Survive_.

He shoved Suzaku away, thoroughly rattled.

Stumbling backwards a few paces, Suzaku seemed to snap out of whatever trance he'd been in; blinking at Lelouch a few times.

"What?" He asked.

Lelouch gave a shake of his head.

"I didn't say anything."

"I… I thought you did."

"No, I didn't say anything," Lelouch said again. He swung away, quickening his pace. "I have to go."

He left Suzaku standing in the middle of the corridor, breaking into a run as he got around the corner, bag banging against his hip; hoping against hope that the other boy wouldn't follow him.

Regardless of whether he had or not, Lelouch managed to escape him, getting to his room and slamming the door; leaning against it and taking a deep breath.

CC was sprawled on her stomach on his bed, head resting on her linked hands, her pale green hair a wild blanket over her back and the bedsheets. There was something of a glint in her amber eyes – a glint of anticipation, as though she'd been…

…_waiting_ for him.

She knew he'd used Geass on Suzaku – he knew she knew, though how she knew was a mystery to him; and it wasn't like he could turn that eye on her and force the secret from her, since Geass didn't work on the one who'd been the bestower.

"What's the matter?" She asked of him, her voice detached and lazy.

She didn't care for the answer; he knew she didn't. It was hard to push CC from his mind, and he was grateful for the gift she'd given him, but he couldn't say that he _liked_ her, particularly.

He neglected to answer her, throwing his bag down beside the bed and stomping off to the bathroom to take a shower.

"So moody," he heard CC sigh; she rolled over onto her back like a cat, twisting her head so that she could watch him, smile more apparent in her eyes than on her mouth.

He locked the door deliberately loudly, turning the shower on immediately so that it would drown out anything else she might call after him.

The last thing he needed right now was CC's gloating; she'd been quick to give him Geass, yet was always quicker still to take delight in his screw-ups.

Sometimes, despite his achievements as Zero, he felt that was really the only reason CC had given him the damn power:

Just for kicks.

—

The truth was, Suzaku was his enemy.

Before he'd known that the other boy was behind the controls of that very same white armour, his only thought had been for the destruction of both it and its pilot.

But now he knew – he knew it was Suzaku; he'd _seen_ that it was Suzaku, his friend, his… well, Suzaku meant a lot to him, he always had… That was why, on seeing Suzaku, fists clenched on the Lancelot's controls, he'd forced Kallen to abort her attack on him.

No matter what it compromised, the price of it could never be Suzaku's life.

Lelouch was a good chess player – he knew that one wrong move could cost you the entire game, but… Where Suzaku was concerned, it didn't seem to matter. Ten wrong moves, if only they would protect Suzaku's life, were fine with him.

Who knew? Maybe if he'd only let Kallen destroy the Lancelot, that time when she'd had the chance to… Maybe they wouldn't even be fighting this battle any more. The Order of the Black Knights had faith in him, reasoned that there'd been cause for a greater good in his order to Kallen to cease attacking the Lancelot. At the end of the day, he was their brilliant and strategic leader, and he knew what he was doing.

…Though not when _Suzaku_ fell into the equation, apparently.

Maybe that was why CC found this so amusing: Because she knew as well as he did that, no matter what it came down to, he would never kill Suzaku.

After all, that was why he'd ordered him to _survive_.

Lelouch knocked off the shower, towelling off quickly and pulling on more causal clothes that he'd brought in with him – jeans and a black high-necked T-shirt – before unlocking the bathroom door and heading back into the bedroom, rubbing his dark hair with the towel as he did so.

CC was still sprawled on the bed, glancing boredly at him as he came back.

"Have you stopped sulking?" She asked flatly.

"Shut up." He threw the towel over a chair and picked up a comb to run it through his hair; pausing at the mirror to get the parting straight. In the reflection, out of the corner of his eye, he saw CC roll over again, back onto her stomach.

"Hey," he bit out.

She blinked at him.

"What?"

"When you use Geass on someone, they don't remember the order you gave them, do they?" Lelouch didn't look at her as he voiced the question.

"They're not supposed to," CC answered.

"But _can_ they?" Lelouch pressed, looking over his shoulder at her.

CC shrugged.

"I don't know. I told you, Geass works differently for different people. Your Geass is different to Mao's, and the Geass I possess is different to both of yours. Perhaps, with _you_…" Her amber eyes flashed again. "…There are people who can remember what you said to them."

Lelouch looked away again.

"He doesn't seem to _know_ that he remembers it," he said blackly. "He seemed to go into some kind of… _trance_, or something."

In the mirror, he saw CC give another shrug, though she said nothing.

Lelouch flung down the comb, glaring at her; though she merely gazed impassively back at him. His silent tantrums never wavered a response from her.

He went back into the bathroom to put the towel back and open up the shower to let the steam out; CC was sitting up when he came back, legs folded up beneath her.

"Sometimes," she said, making him look sharply at her through strands of wet hair, "there are people that you regret using it on."

_I __**know**__ that, CC…_

Lelouch gave a terse nod. Did he regret using it on Suzaku?

Well, no, because it was the only reason Suzaku hadn't allowed himself to be killed. But… he regretted that he'd _had_ to use it on Suzaku.

"The usual reason for this regret," CC went on, "is because you used Geass for a selfish reason."

_That_ made Lelouch look at her. He hadn't used it on Suzaku for a selfish reason – he'd done it because he hadn't wanted him to die. Surely that was incredibly _un_selfish?

"_I_ think it was selfish," CC said, intercepting his thoughts. "The reason you used Geass on Suzaku Kururugi was a reason different to those for which you've used it on other people. With others, you've done it to get information from them or to make them surrender to you. With Suzaku, you used it deliberately to prevent him from fulfilling his _own_ desire and instead fulfil yours. _You_ didn't want him to die, so _you_ forced him to live."

Lelouch stared at her, silent for a moment or two.

"But surely… that's a _good_ thing?" He rubbed at his forehead. "I mean, he was just being noble and stupid! There was no _reason_ for him to die like that…"

CC shrugged.

"Regardless, it was not his desire to "survive"." Her eyes narrowed. "It was _yours_, because you couldn't bear to lose him."

Lelouch sank onto the edge of the dresser.

"And… do you think that's why he can… at least partially remember what I said?"

CC shrugged a third time.

"Maybe it wasn't that," she said. "Maybe it's because… subconsciously, you _want_ him to know that you told him to survive."

"Why would I want _that_?!" Lelouch snapped.

"Because you want him to know that you were the one who saved his life." CC tilted her head a little. "You wanted him to survive for _you_. Deny it if you wish, but it's true. It makes sense that you'd want him to know that."

And as he stared at her, rendered speechless once more, she reached into his school bag and plucked out his phone, tossing it at him.

"Now order me some pizza," she said.

* * *

It was late when Lelouch's phone went off; dark, though he was working by the lamp at his desk. CC was in bed, so the other lights were out.

Putting his map of Tokyo aside, Lelouch picked up his phone and flipped it open.

Text message, from… Suzaku.

Frowning, Lelouch opened his inbox to read the message. It was sparse, containing only three words:

_Student Council Room_

Lelouch blinked. What? What about the Student Council room? Did Suzaku want him to go there or something? But when? Tomorrow? Or was this a backed-up message, sent earlier, and he was only receiving it now?

He checked the sending time and saw that it had only been a minute ago.

_When?_ he sent back.

It was only a matter of a few seconds before he received a reply:

_Now_

So clearly Suzaku was waiting for him there. What the hell did he want at this time of night?

Lelouch was still rather wary of Suzaku after this afternoon, but thought it better to confront him. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe he just wanted to talk. They'd been friends for years, after all, and it was rare that they got a moment alone, what with school and Nunally and the Student Council and the whole Zero/Britannian army thing…

Lelouch got up, putting the map back into his desk drawer, and headed for the door. He'd just put his hand on the handle when the lamp across the room flicked on, making him look back.

CC was sitting up in bed, hand still at the lamp where she'd switched it on; her hair a wild and luminescent halo around her face.

Amethyst met amber across the room.

"Sometimes it works differently on different people," CC said, her voice expressionless, "depending on how you feel about that person."

Lelouch's large eyes narrowed.

"That's not what you told me before. You said it works on everyone the same, no matter who they are."

"I lied." CC brushed a strand of hair back over her shoulder. "I thought it would make it easier for you." She raised her chin a little. "Geass is about control. Human emotions mess it up."

"But I _am_ human, CC," Lelouch spat.

"I know." She blinked once at him, very slowly. "So is he."

Lelouch's phone went off in his pocket again, signalling another text message; CC's gaze did not break from him.

"You should go to him," she said.

Lelouch said nothing, taking one final glance at her before pushing down the handle and leaving the room. Outside, closing the door, he checked the new message, again from Suzaku; and it made his blood run chill.

_Survive_

—

Suzaku was sitting in Milly's chair in the dark when Lelouch entered the room; the place illuminated by the chalky glow of moonlight filtering through the large, floor-to-ceiling windows that always remained open.

"Lelouch." Suzaku stood up, unwinding his legs gracefully; standing up so that Lelouch could see he was wearing his army uniform; rust-coloured fabric turned dark brown by the lack of light. "You came."

There was something weird about his voice; it was pleasant enough, but devoid of the familiarity it usually possessed. It was… huskier; a little unhinged, even…

Unsettled by both his tone and the outfit he'd chosen to wear to their little rendezvous, Lelouch went no closer to him.

"What do you want, Suzaku?" He asked warily.

But Suzaku's answer was stranger still;

"I don't know." Suzaku appeared confused now. "I… _you're_ the one who told _me_ to come here."

Lelouch blinked at him.

"No, I didn't. You sent me… you sent me a text message, look…"

Lelouch pulled out his phone, scrolling down until he found he message in question, holding it up to show Suzaku.

The young soldier blinked at it.

"I didn't send that."

"Then how did you know to come here?" Lelouch snapped. "Why were you waiting here for me?"

Suzaku's jade eyes were bewildered.

"Because you said you'd be here."

"No, I…" Lelouch trailed off, suddenly pulling Suzaku close so that he could look at his eyes.

They were glazed, touched with the pink tint of…

…a Geass victim.

_I'm still controlling you? But, even… even if that were so, if you were still under my influence, I told you to __**survive**__, not…_

Lelouch let his friend go, pushing him away a little.

"Why are you wearing your army uniform?" He asked.

"I don't know."

Lelouch kneaded his forehead wearily.

"Go back to bed, Suzaku," he said finally, turning away from him.

CC had never, ever mentioned anything like this…

"You don't want me now?"

"What?" Lelouch blinked, looking back over his shoulder. "I… I never said that."

_I never said I __**did**__ want you either…_

Suzaku stepped towards him.

"You need me," he said softly. "That's what you said, that was the reason for… stopping me from… Well, you said… it was a bargain. You asked me to survive not for myself, but for _you_."

Lelouch backed away, wide-eyed; it was exactly as CC had said, the Geass had produced a warped effect on Suzaku because Lelouch had used it more out of his _own_ desire.

An effect _so_ warped that Suzaku was even able to read the meaning behind it, thinking Lelouch had voiced things that he knew he hadn't…

But if that was true, then had the Geass manifested _other_ things within Suzaku as well? Or were these his own feelings, hauled up by Lelouch's control over him? Was it Suzaku's own desire or Lelouch's will that was making the young soldier press up close to his friend, fingers ghosting on his pale cheek?

Had Lelouch told Suzaku to survive because… he _loved_ him?

"Go back to bed, Suzaku," Lelouch said, his voice quivering a little as the other boy pushed him up against the desk.

Suzaku paid him no heed, as though he simply hadn't heard him, leaning in towards him—

"_Go back to bed, Suzaku!_"

Lelouch shrieked it at him, his left eye flaring up almost on its own; summoning forth the Geass he'd already wasted once on the soldier as he slammed him away.

Suzaku stumbled backwards as he had earlier that day, also from Lelouch's violent rebuking of him; green eyes wide, suddenly unseeing.

Suzaku took a deep, shuddering breath, grasping his own shoulders tightly; and then he collapsed to his knees at Lelouch's feet, head bowed and his entire body racked with shallow gasps, as though he suddenly couldn't breathe.

"Suzaku?" Lelouch's eye faded back to violet again as he looked down at the boy he'd managed to reduce to his knees.

Suzaku gave a few gasps, as though he was choking.

"I don't understand," he said softly, speaking to the floor. "I-I don't understand what you want, Lelouch… I keep… I keep hearing your voice in my head, you whisper things, you promise me things… You beg me to survive because you say you need me, that you can't live without me…" Suzaku's hands went to his skull, slender fingers threading in his mahogany tresses. "…I keep hearing your voice and it's driving me _mad_…"

He finally looked up at Lelouch, who was struck speechless by the sudden one-eighty in his demeanour. Was this how badly Suzaku reacted to Geass? Did it _hurt_ him?

"What do you _want_, Lelouch?" He whispered hoarsely. "Why did you beg to me to survive…?"

Having no answer that he could give in words, Lelouch came down to his knees as well, wrapping his arms around Suzaku's shaking form, one of his own hands going to the back of the other boy's skull to tangle in the soft brown hair too. He rested his cheek on the crown of Suzaku's head, closing his eyes and holding him tightly.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I… I didn't mean for it to hurt you."

Suzaku swallowed, sounding as though he was suppressing tears.

"I was ready to die then," he said hollowly. "But you wouldn't let me."

Suzaku was still entranced, then; there was no way for him to know that Lelouch was Zero, yet he knew that Lelouch had been the one to stop his suicide.

Maybe CC was right – maybe it was because, somehow, Lelouch _wanted_ Suzaku to know.

"Why would I have let you?" Lelouch asked softly, opening his violet eyes again.

Suzaku shrugged in his arms.

"Why does it matter so much to you, Lelouch? I chose to be a solider, I chose to be—"

"Why would that mean that I _wouldn't_?" Lelouch interrupted. "You matter to people, Suzaku. You can't just throw your life away when there's no need to."

Suzaku glanced up at him.

"Is that why you did it? Because I matter to you?"

"No, it's…" Lelouch's eyes slid closed once more. "_It's because I need you_."

That had answered nothing. They both knew that.

But even so, Suzaku lifted his head and pressed his mouth to Lelouch's; and this time the dark-haired boy did not push him away. He didn't even open his eyes, allowing Suzaku to push upwards against him, hands going to his shoulders, while Lelouch's own hands remained in Suzaku's brown hair and at his waist.

"I don't understand," Suzaku said again, on breaking the kiss breathlessly.

Lelouch stood, taking Suzaku's wrist and pulling him out of the Student Council room.

"Then I'll show you."

—

Suzaku kissed him against the door of the room; it was breathy and desperate, and Lelouch wasn't sure if this was the Geass or simply hormones now as he contended with the other boy, one hand running down his back as the other felt behind him for the door handle.

Whilst, at this given moment, little else mattered to him _but_ Suzaku, he still wanted to get out of the corridor and into the bedroom.

He was spared having to wrestle with the handle when the door opened by itself; Lelouch almost fell backwards in through the door, saved only by Suzaku, who grabbed hold of him around his back and pulled him upright again.

Lelouch broke his lips away from Suzaku's as he glanced at CC, who had opened the door; she was fully dressed again, a deceptive, beauteous angel in white.

Suzaku apparently didn't notice her, pawing at Lelouch again, though the dark-haired boy pushed him away for a moment, his violet eyes locking with CC's gold ones.

Her face was expressionless, and she said nothing; and after a moment stepped past them, walking away.

It was probably CC's way of saying "Told you so", so Lelouch ignored it, letting her go; why chase her when he had another angel in his arms, one in rust-coloured military clothes?

Far braver and far more beautiful than CC, perhaps.

Lelouch took Suzaku's hand and led him into the room, shutting the door behind them.

_Am I making you do this, Suzaku? Are you doing this because you want to?_

Lelouch just didn't know anymore, turning his head to the side as Suzaku pushed him up against the other side of the door and began to devour his throat. The young soldier's hands pushed against his chest, trailing over the fabric of his black shirt, then down lower, fingertips tracing over his abdomen, reaching his belt.

Determined not to stand there and have Suzaku do all the work, Lelouch brought his own hands up, tugging Suzaku's tie out from being tucked neatly into his military jacket and working on loosening it. He slid it out from under his shirt collar, twisting undone the first few buttons to bare the other boy's throat and collarbone.

Suzaku's mouth met with his again, pressing upwards, as Lelouch unfastened his heavy uniform jacket and slipped it off over his shoulders, letting it fall to the carpet. The amethyst-eyed boy broke the kiss, starting a trail of kisses of his own down Suzaku's throat and onto his chest as he deftly unbuttoned the rest of his shirt, feeling the solider work his belt loose.

_Is this what you want, Suzaku…?_

Lelouch pushed away from the door, breaking right away from Suzaku; taking his hand again to pull him across the room. They reached the bed, sank down onto it, Lelouch dragging Suzaku down with him onto its surface; sinking into both it and the brunette's touch. Their lips locked again, Suzaku shrugged off his own shirt, tossing it onto the floor; then reached down beneath him, taking the hem of Lelouch's black T-shirt and peeling it away from his body. Lelouch arched upwards off the sheets into his touch as the soldier went back to his belt, finishing unbuckling it and pulling it undone; kissing the dark-haired boy's flat belly as he worked on the button and zip of his jeans.

Had CC predicted this? Had CC _known_ about this? She'd been waiting, ready… Known it was inevitable. Was it the Geass itself that had drawn he and Suzaku together like this, in the most terrible and beautiful of ways, or was it the other way around – Geass had pushed them together because it was what they both wanted?

Was this nothing to do with the Geass at all?

Even when Suzaku leaned down close to him, chocolate tresses brushing Lelouch's pale forehead, and whispered "I love you, Lelouch" in his ear… he didn't know if that was just the Geass talking. Was Suzaku only saying it because it was Lelouch's desire?

Did Suzaku only love him because Lelouch _wanted_ him to?

Suzaku pulled Lelouch's jeans down and off, throwing them to the floor; kneeling over him, jade eyes hazed with desire, making it so that Lelouch could no longer tell if he was still under the influence of Geass. Instead he could only look up at him – at the face of his friend, changed by adolescence, though still similar enough to the way it had been when he was a child that Lelouch could look up at him and, despite the coldness he felt towards most other people, feel his heart quite literally ache with how much he fucking _loved_ him.

_I don't care if you cost me the entire damn war, Suzaku; just __**survive**__…_

Suzaku kissed him again, then broke away and trailed his way down with tiny, chaste, stardust kisses, reaching to the waistband of his shorts and sliding them down. Lelouch could read his desire by now, shuddering this time in a way that was clearly in anticipation. Geass or not, did Suzaku truly love him so much that he would—?

Ah. _Yes_. Suzaku _did_.

"…Suzaku!" Lelouch heaved himself up into a sitting position, gripping at Suzaku's silky hair; he rocked forward, it being all he could do to stop himself thrashing around with how wonderful it felt. "Uhn… Suzak… _Suzaku_…"

Lelouch opened his eyes, looking down with blurred vision at the other boy, hand still firm in his brown hair; his vision blurred only because it was already beginning to bleach itself pure white, but—

No, this wasn't enough. This – _even_ this – couldn't satisfy him. Just as Geass possessed a person's will, Lelouch felt now that he must possess Suzaku wholly, in every way that he could, and…

_If I've marked you with Geass, you are mine._

He pushed Suzaku away, lamenting the loss of that wonderful heat; but pulling the other boy close, kissing him deeply, and then using his weight to switch their positions, pushing Suzaku down against the sheets.

Suzaku didn't seem to protest, particularly. Maybe he'd been expecting this – Lelouch had always been the more controlling of them both, after all.

The amethyst-eyed boy unbuckled Suzaku's belt, pulling the rust-coloured trousers off, the shorts with them.

Now, with the positions reversed, and Suzaku on his back looking up at Lelouch, the brunette boy smiled.

"You grew up… so beautiful, Lelouch," he said softly, reaching up with a trembling hand to trace along Lelouch's cheek.

Lelouch took his wrist and twisted it towards himself, kissing it and the palm of Suzaku's hand.

"So did you," he murmured. Then he paused, looking directly down at Suzaku. "Um, I… I don't…"

"It's okay." Suzaku took Lelouch's elbows. "Just do it. I'm ready."

Despite his words, Lelouch knew he'd hurt Suzaku anyway; his green eyes widened and he took a sharp, gasping breath.

"I'm sorry…" Lelouch panted.

Suzaku breathlessly shook his head.

"N-no, keep… keep going…" He managed to look up at him. "I know… you'd never… never hurt me… on purpose…"

Lelouch wasn't sure how long Suzaku's pain lasted; he hated that each of his thrusts made him gasp in a way that didn't sound good, but…

His name was threaded in those breathy gasps too, and after a while he felt Suzaku start to move with him, moans tossed in with the cries of "Lelouch", and the jade eyes closed completely, shutting out Geass or whatever else it was that made Suzaku want him this way—

_Maybe your love is only a Geass-induced lie, Suzaku; but that's not true for me. If I'm making you do this against your will, I'm sorry, but it's not a lie on my part. I love you, and I want you to survive._

* * *

Much later, Lelouch opened his eyes on hearing the door open.

CC was back, the outline of her hair making her a wraithlike creature in the doorway.

Lelouch himself was intertwined beneath the sheets with Suzaku, the brunette boy asleep with his head on his friend's shoulder.

He thought at first he might just pretend to still be asleep, but something about CC's presence made him want to confront her like this – naked, with another boy in his arms.

CC knew, anyway. It was no challenge to show CC what he'd shared with Suzaku. She'd seen them kissing outside the bedroom door – opened the door for them, no doubt knowing they'd head straight for the bed.

That, and the fact that CC didn't give a damn.

CC closed the door and crossed the room, flopping down on the opposite bed with her back to him, her hair trailing over the edge of the mattress.

"CC," Lelouch said.

"What?" She didn't look at him.

"When you enslave people under Geass, they don't remember what you said to them, right? At least… not if the reason wasn't a selfish one."

CC shrugged.

"Right."

She said nothing more, and neither did he; snuggling down again beneath the sheets with Suzaku.

_I don't think your reason was selfish, CC – even if mine was. And for the record, Suzaku, when I told you to survive… _

Lelouch kissed his sleeping friend on the forehead, feeling his breath against him.

_It wasn't a suggestion; it was an order._

**END**

* * *

Ooh, how ambiguous…

Eh, CC was in it a whole lot considering it was a LelouchxSuzaku fic, but I really like her, so…

AutumnDynasty, hope you liked it! Happy 19th Birthday, duuuuuuuuuude!


	2. Survive: R2

Yay, SuzakuxLelouch – the gayest anime pairing this side of actual shonen-ai. I think they even manage to perhaps beat out the infamous Chained-Together Duo, _Death Note'_s L and Light, probably because they're both a bit mad and angsty and have additional CLAMP points…

Hmm, apparently mecha causes great suffering, anguish and torment – a look at most of the _Gundam_ cast and all of the _Neon Genesis_ _Evangelion_ cast is proof enough of that, so maybe Suzaku and Lelouch would be wallowing in self-pity even if they _weren't_ ridiculously in to one another… O.o

I digress.

_Survive_ was originally a one-shot. But, with the second season of _Code Geass_ rife with more love-you-hate-you-want-to-screw-you-want-to-kill-you antics of the Lelouch and Suzaku variety in addition to the increased Suzaku grouchiness and Lelouch's very odd relationship with Rollo…

Well, the lure to extend _Survive_ was just too great. So when I offered AutumnDynasty a SuzakuxLelouch piece as a reward for attempting to write something slashy, this is what that final reward was.

_Survive _– the original one-shot – was largely Lelouch-centric in its narrative in addition to being a very rare LelouchxSuzaku piece.

_Survive: R2_ is, by contrast, mostly Suzaku-centric and has reverted to the more common – and more sensible – SuzakuxLelouch.

It is neither as long nor as explicit as the original one-shot, but I hope you all like it anyway.

:)

Survive: R2

_It wasn't a suggestion, Suzaku; it was an order._

It wasn't Suzaku's fault it had all gone wrong; it wasn't his fault that Lelouch had turned out to be Zero, leader of terrorist group The Black Knights; it wasn't…

…it wasn't his fault that he was even still _alive_—

It was Lelouch's.

He knew that. He'd known that for months now – months that bled into months, maybe over a year, yes, it must be _well_ over a year by now…

_Survive_.

The word – only ever in Lelouch's voice – was an echo in his head that pinwheeled off the walls of his mind, cobwebbed due to the amount of time it had been nestled there. The Geass, that damned, filthy Geass, given to Lelouch by that little witch CC… Lelouch had used it on him – the weapon of Zero, his anarchistic law book…

Lelouch had used it on him and forced him to survive against his will.

Suzaku was ever aware of it, given that, even now, whenever he was in danger of losing his life, his body and mind went into some kind of puppeteered auto-pilot – he fought without fighting, he won without winning. It wasn't fight-or-flight, it wasn't instinct, it wasn't even a fear of death.

It was _Lelouch_.

Once, Suzaku had loved him for it without even knowing why; whether intentional or not, Lelouch had had him dangling at the end of a string, able to make him dance.

Able to make him _love_ him.

There had been a night – that one night, which Suzaku himself barely remembered, mostly because he'd been under the warped influence of Lelouch's Geass. But he remembered slivers of it, flashes of brilliance, like stars in the night sky – he remembered kissing Lelouch in the darkened student council room, remembered stumbling against Lelouch's bedroom door, remembered the rough, clumsy but passionate lovemaking, remembered how Lelouch, so much smaller than him, had dominated him, remembered the beauty of that pale skin and dark silky hair and…

…_those treacherous violet eyes… _

He remembered awakening later in the night, Lelouch asleep next to him, how he'd put his arms around him and held him close, breathing him in, because he hadn't known then.

He hadn't known he was Zero – and he hadn't known that he had poisoned him with Geass.

He hadn't known then that the only reason he was still breathing at all was because Lelouch had forced him to survive.

The roles had been reversed – presumably so, anyway.

Suzaku knew everything, whilst Lelouch had no memory of his being Zero, no memory of Geass, no memory of even his beloved little sister – for the sake of whom he'd even _started_ this war against Britannia.

All he had were fake implanted memories of a brother in the form of that dangerous little snake, Rollo.

This _had_ been the case, at any rate – Suzaku, on having returned to Ashford Academy to observe Lelouch, just couldn't be sure if he believed that the violet-eyed boy was still absent of his real memories. He was certainly _acting_ as if he was, but… that was Suzaku's whole problem.

_Acting_.

Lelouch was a fantastic actor. Suzaku had been both his best friend and a soldier in the Britannian army and he'd never suspected him of being Zero at all.

If he _was_ acting, little unexpected tests weren't shaking him at all; even now, in History class, when Suzaku leaned across to Lelouch's desk and asked him if he could borrow his ruler, Lelouch handed it to him with a brilliant smile that betrayed nothing but warmth and utmost friendliness, as if he had no reason to suspect that Suzaku should think any ill of him.

As if he had no memory of Suzaku grinding his face into the floor of his own father's throne room, hand splayed across that treacherous violet eye of his.

When class ended, Lelouch actually dawdled for a while, apparently waiting for him; Suzaku didn't particularly want to talk to him and slowed up his pace even more. Lelouch was eventually descended upon by Milly, who dragged him away, talking incessantly in his ear.

Suzaku just didn't know what to do about Lelouch, the whole does-he-or-doesn't-he-have-memories thing aside. He hated him for being Zero, for leading terrorists, for driving Euphemia to her death, for using Geass on him—

But it _hurt_ to hate him, because Lelouch had been his friend, his very best friend, perhaps even a little more than that, he'd never _really_ know about that because of that damned Geass, but even so…

Hating him brought him no pleasure. What he wouldn't have given for things to be different between them, but… they weren't. Things were broken, shattered, and _when_ they had split down the middle, he and Lelouch had ended up on different sides of the crack.

The last out of the classroom, Suzaku stepped out into the corridor to find that Lelouch had traded in Milly for Rollo, talking to him in a low voice over beside the water fountain.

To be perfectly frank, Suzaku didn't like Rollo one little bit. The kid was a ticking time-bomb; anyone who knew his implacable, calculating nature could see that a mile away. In many ways, as much bitterness as he felt towards Lelouch, Suzaku couldn't help but pity him having been tricked into believing that Rollo was his sibling. The cold-hearted little bastard was a far cry from the sweet-natured Nunally, that was for sure.

Maybe it wasn't just Rollo's personality that got to Suzaku, though; maybe he just didn't like to see Lelouch with a "brother". After all, _he_ and Lelouch had always seemed like brothers… Maybe he just didn't like the way Rollo pawed at him, be it mock or real affection, or how closely he stood next to him when Lelouch was talking to him, almost nose-to-nose, or the way he always toyed anxiously with that locket…

Watching them now, Suzaku couldn't help but wonder what Rollo's feelings towards Lelouch truly were. It was questionable as to whether or not Lelouch knew that Rollo was not his flesh-and-blood sibling, but Rollo himself…

…He _certainly_ knew that Lelouch wasn't his brother.

(Was it really so difficult for Suzaku to stop caring…?)

Suzaku found himself impeding on their privacy almost against his will when he saw Rollo grab at Lelouch's slender hand. Zero or not – and _jealousy_ or not – Suzaku had been here first on the Lelouch-front. Rollo could just clear off.

Rollo let his own hand drop away from Lelouch's, shooting Suzaku a baleful look of pure loathing; the young soldier ignored him, turning his perfected smile on Lelouch.

"So, Lelouch," he said brightly, "we haven't really spent any time together since I came back to Ashford. If you're free tonight we could hang out, if you want. You know, you and me, like old times."

Lelouch blinked, then smiled; but before he could open his mouth to reply, Rollo stepped in front of him as though a bodyguard.

"You ever think that maybe the reason he hasn't spent any time with you is because he doesn't want to?" he spat, still looking Suzaku with immense dislike.

"Rollo." Lelouch said nothing else, pushing Rollo gently aside. "You know, Suzaku… I _would_ like that." He smiled, his amethyst eyes brilliant. "You're right, it's been ages."

"Cool. I'll come by later. We can go out for coffee or something."

Without waiting for a reply, Suzaku left, practically feeling Rollo's murderous gaze burning into the back of his neck.

* * *

"You want to be careful of him," Rollo said sulkily from where he was curled up on Lelouch's bed, playing idly with the silver locket dangling from his phone. "Kururugi."

"I _know_ that, Rollo." Lelouch pulled on his jacket as he spoke.

Rollo looked up at the bedroom ceiling.

"You shouldn't have wasted your Geass on him."

"Well, I did, and it was a long time ago."

Rollo tilted his head towards Lelouch, eyes narrowed.

"…Want me to kill him for you?"

"No, I'm sure I'll be fine. He thinks I don't have my memories." Lelouch shot the younger boy a sour smile. "But thankyou anyway."

Rollo gave an imperceptible snort.

"You're welcome," he muttered darkly.

* * *

Suzaku watched Lelouch meticulously stir his coffee around and around the cup with a straw he'd acquired from a neighbouring table in the small café they were sitting in; perhaps a defence mechanism against the way Suzaku's emerald-hued gaze bore into him.

Suzaku was a good judge of character, but he wasn't so good at acting when he was trying to focus on something else – it was difficult to try and catch Lelouch out on the memory thing and act like his best friend at the same time. He had probably come across as irritable and closed-up, and Lelouch had eventually given up, resorting to needlessly stirring his coffee.

He couldn't tell if Lelouch was being evasive or was simply offended.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out finally, making Lelouch's large violet eyes dart up towards him again; he forced out a little laugh, massaging his forehead. "I know I seem a bit…"

"…Strange," Lelouch supplied eventually, looking down at the table again.

"Yeah. I'm just… stressed out, I guess. Life in the army is tough."

"I would have thought so." Lelouch gave a small smile and sipped at the remains of his cooling coffee. "You must like it okay, though, to stick at it."

Suzaku froze up imperceptively for a moment or two.

"Y-yeah, I guess so," he replied eventually; his green eyes narrowed. Had that been a hint of a Lelouch who knew perfectly _well_ that he was Zero, knew that that was the reason Suzaku stayed in the army…?

"What?" Lelouch asked, blinking at him.

"Nothing." Suzaku shook his head. "…Are you almost done?"

Lelouch gave a nod and finished up his coffee; he put down his cup and stood, tossing down his payment on top of Suzaku's and following him out of the café.

"What time is it?" Lelouch asked offishly, taking note of the dark sky hanging over the lit-up city street.

"About nine, I think. We should probably get back to Ashford."

Lelouch shot the young soldier a wry smile.

"Of course." He started off walking.

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Suzaku demanded, catching him up effortlessly.

"Hm?" Lelouch shrugged. "Well, you _are_ acting a bit odd tonight, Suzaku. Even thought _you're_ the one who invited _me_ to go out for coffee, you… don't seem as though you're really enjoying my company very much. It's like you want to get away from me, or, at least… you don't want to talk to me."

"I… that's…" Suzaku gave an impatient sigh, giving Lelouch a slap on the shoulder that was perhaps a little too hard. "Don't be dumb, Lelouch. I told you, I'm just a bit stressed. Jeez, we're still _friends_…!"

Lelouch suddenly stopped altogether, turning to Suzaku, violet eyes unreadable.

_Those treacherous violet eyes._

"…Are we?" he asked simply.

Suddenly unnerved, Suzaku said nothing in reply; mesmerized by the dangerous glimmer of those eyes he'd known – or _thought_ he'd known – all his life.

He could almost _see_ the word 'Survive' etched into the right.

"Of course we are," he said finally, his voice very quiet.

He didn't know if he meant it or not – he didn't know if he _wanted_ to mean it or not.

How could he despise someone to whom he owed his very life?

How could he love someone who had controlled his very will?

"Of course we're friends, Lelouch," Suzaku said again, more to reassure himself than Lelouch. "Come on, I'll show you I still want to hang out with you. Come back to my room with me, we can play some video games or chess or cards or whatever."

Lelouch rolled his eyes.

"Alright, I'll humour you… But don't think I'll go easy on you just because you're making such a huge show of how you're my best friend ever, Suzaku Kururugi."

Suzaku smirked, amused in spite of himself.

"I'd expect nothing less from you, Lelouch Lamperouge."

* * *

"Enjoy your coffee with the enemy?" Rollo asked bitterly when Lelouch came back into his room, throwing his jacket over the chair.

"He didn't poison it, if that's what you mean," Lelouch replied pleasantly, picking up the chessboard from his desk.

Rollo blinked.

"_Now_ what are you doing?" he demanded.

"Getting the chessboard."

"_Why_?"

"Because I'm going to play Suzaku."

"Why are you taking it away?"

"Because we're going to play in his room." Lelouch arched an eyebrow at the younger boy. "Look, Rollo, you don't like him and he doesn't like you. I don't think bringing him here is a great idea, do you?"

Rollo got up.

"I'm coming too," he announced.

"What part of 'you don't like him and he doesn't like you' don't you understand?" Lelouch's eyes narrowed. "No, you just stay here. He's watching both of us like a hawk and given that chess is only a two-player game, I think he'll find it a _little_ suspicious that I brought you along. Use your brain, Rollo, for god's sake."

Lelouch didn't wait for a reply from the boy masquerading as his brother, banging out of the room with the chessboard to signal the end of the conversation.

He was sure that the next thing out of Rollo's mouth would have been an offer to kill Suzaku, anyway.

* * *

Suzaku clenched his fists on the rim of the small balcony leading out from his Ashford bedroom; September wind lifting the brown curls of his hair and brushing them across his face so that he kept irritably swatting them away.

Lelouch had gone to get the chessboard.

Suzaku wasn't going to beat him at chess. He'd never beaten Lelouch at chess. _No-one_ had ever beaten Lelouch at chess, as far as he knew.

Not that the chess mattered.

What mattered was that Suzaku was even alive _to_ play chess with Lelouch. It was something he dwelled on, perhaps too much, too often, but the gift of his survival was something he could never forgive Lelouch for, not when he knew that he was – or _had_ been - Zero.

No, maybe it wasn't that alone – maybe it was the reason _for_ Lelouch's Geass order that made it unforgivable. It was unforgivable because Lelouch had done it because he loved Suzaku, and _that_ was unforgivable because Lelouch was Zero.

(How dare Zero ask him to survive, for _him_?)

And maybe it wasn't just Lelouch he hated for it. Maybe he hated himself too, because he'd always felt something back for him, and there was always that night, half-induced by the Geass and half-induced by Suzaku's own willingness—

How could he despise someone whom he loved more than anything; how could he love Lelouch and hate Zero…?

He wanted to survive for Lelouch and die simply to _defy_ Zero.

He heard the bedroom door open, Lelouch calling his name. He didn't answer, counting on the other boy to find him himself; after putting down the chessboard on the bed, Lelouch did indeed wander out onto the balcony.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, approaching him from behind.

Suzaku didn't turn to him.

"Nothing," he replied softly.

There was a long silence between them.

"…You've changed, Suzaku," Lelouch said eventually, his voice emotionless.

"Have I?"

"Yes." Lelouch joined him at the balcony, shivering a little against the night wind in just a black high-necked T-shirt and matching black jeans. "Quite a bit, actually."

"We've all grown up, Lelouch."

"No, it's not like that." _That_ made Suzaku look at him. "It's not the "growing up" kind of change. It's just… well, I can't really explain it. …I'm not sure I like it, though."

Suzaku gave a snort.

"Why's that, because you can't control me anymore…?" he muttered.

"Why would you say that?" Lelouch asked cautiously. "…When have I ever tried to _control_ you, Suzaku?"

Suzaku bit his lip and looked away, annoyed with himself.

"Never," he bit out. "Never mind. Forget I said it."

Lelouch gave a shrug and folded his arms over the balcony's rim.

"Well," he said eventually, "maybe in a place like this, it's amazing enough that we've both survived this long…"

Suzaku looked up sharply at his use of 'survived'.

"Why would _you_ say _that_?" he snapped, unable to stop himself.

Lelouch blinked at him?

"Say what? That I'm amazed we've both lived this long…?"

Suzaku didn't know if it would have angered him more if Lelouch _hadn't_ altered 'survived' to 'lived'; maybe, maybe not. It didn't make any difference, really, and it certainly didn't stop him from reeling back his fist and slamming it into Lelouch's face.

The blow almost knocked Lelouch over – Suzaku was very strong and there had been anger behind the attack as well. Lelouch hissed in pain, grabbing blindly at the balcony to stop himself from toppling over.

Suzaku could say nothing, anger seeping out of him even as he stood there; watching Lelouch straighten up again and gingerly take his hand away from where Suzaku had hit him.

The punch had split his lip, blood dribbling down his chin.

Red, like that treacherous violet eye of his when he was ordering people to _survive_.

"Lelouch… I-I'm… I'm sorry," Suzaku said softly as Lelouch brought his stained fingers up his face to look at them. "I just… I don't know what—"

"Don't bother, Suzaku," Lelouch snapped, wiping his bleeding lip on his bare arm, smearing blood up it. "If this is how you're going to be, I'll just go. I don't want to stick around to see what you do to me when I beat you at chess…"

"_Lelouch_—!"

Having begun to walk away, Lelouch paused, not turning to the brunette boy as he spoke:

"Maybe you _haven't_ changed, Suzaku – maybe you were always like this, it's just that I couldn't see it before."

_No, you're right, I changed, but I only changed because—_

Suzaku grabbed Lelouch by the wrist, whipping him around before he could stalk away; the amethyst eyes were wide with surprise and the blood on his lip had started to well over down his chin again.

Suzaku twisted a handful of his fine dark hair in his grip and kissed him hard.

Lelouch fought it at first, trying to tug his head away, maybe because Suzaku was hurting his scalp or his split lip – maybe both; but by the time Suzaku actually let go of his hair and moved down to the other boy's slender waist, wrapping his arms around it, he was fighting it no longer, his own arms around Suzaku's neck.

Was _this_ the price of that survival?

The kiss tasted of salty copper – a lingering flavour long after Suzaku broke the kiss and pulled Lelouch into the bedroom, dragging him down with him onto the bed. Lelouch was the one to kick his precious chess set to the floor, pieces scattering everywhere with a sound like heavy rainfall; ignored as Suzaku rolled over on top of Lelouch, his greater weight pinning the dark-haired boy to the mattress, their mouths fused together.

Now that there was no Geass involved, it was very clear who was in charge of this; Lelouch was a determined, dominant creature by nature, and in many ways, his own particular Geass – the ability to control others – couldn't have been more perfect.

But with this, and with Suzaku, that rule didn't apply – last time, Suzaku had only been so submissive because he'd been under the twisted influence of Lelouch's Geass, and in the end, Lelouch hadn't ordered Suzaku to survive simply because _he_ loved _him_.

He'd ordered him to survive because he wanted Suzaku to love him back.

Suzaku _did_ love him back – that was his real issue.

Still, he figured that, at least for tonight, he should stop brooding about the fact that he'd survived at all and just exist solely for the reason for which he _had_ survived.

Lelouch Lamperouge, whom he loved, and Zero, whom he hated.

(Lelouch, underneath him, moaning his name; those treacherous violet eyes filled not with an order, but with the love that had dictated that order in the first place.)

The only reason Suzaku Kururugi was still breathing was because this boy had forced him to survive.

Perhaps he would never be grateful – but that didn't mean that, right now, with Lelouch in his arms, he couldn't be _glad_.

* * *

"You let him fuck you."

"Rollo, don't use language like that, please," Lelouch snapped tiredly.

"Are you _completely insane_?" Rollo spat in reply.

"I don't recall asking for your opinion on the matter." Lelouch glared at the younger boy. "…I've known Suzaku nearly my whole life, you don't under—"

"_That doesn't make him not the enemy!_"

"Rollo." Lelouch gave deep sigh, and then a twisted smile. "…You _can't_ kill him."

Rollo raised his chin defiantly.

"Is that what you think, Lelouch?" he asked blackly.

"That's what I know." Lelouch took out his aching contact lens, turning his gaze on Rollo – one violet eye and one blazing crimson, bleached permanently by CC's curse of Geass. "…You can't kill him, because a long time ago, I ordered him to _survive_."

**END**

* * *

Aww, no CC this time – but there _was_ Rollo, so yay…

Hmm, I do wonder what is going to happen with Lelouch and Suzaku in the end. Dear Suzaku is kind of a bastard in Season 2… I mean, I guess Lelouch is too, but he started out as one, so it's less noticeable…

Well, I don't intend to extend this fic anymore, and just keep it as a two-shot, but you never know…

:D

RobinRocks xXx


	3. Survive: Finale

Yes, I know I keep adding to this. I said it was a one-shot, then I added a second part and said that there wouldn't be anymore, and yet…

Here we are. What can I say? _Code Geass_ is asking for it. It's one of the gayest animes ever – and that's saying a lot. Discounting true yaoi and shonen-ai, even "normal" series like _Death Note_, _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ and _Mobile Suit Gundam Wing_ all have decidedly homoerotic undertones… So _Code Geass_ is therefore **impressively** gay, right? :)

I'll say. You know someone is your bitch for life if they will wear without complaint a horrible _see-though-shouldered_ "knight" outfit (and also don't laugh at _your_ ridiculous hat).

I REALLY don't intend to make this any longer following this chapter – hence I have trapped myself by entitling this the finale.

Very kindly and thoroughly betaed by **AutumnDynasty**, for whom the first two parts of this fic were actually written. Ha, I made you work for it this time, dear… :D

Survive: Finale

_(It wasn't a suggestion, Suzaku; it was an order.)_

"What of it?" he'd said. It hadn't really been a question, because he hadn't expected Suzaku to answer. What answer _could_ he have given? Euphemia, after all, had been only the first of the many casualties of this war. There had been others.

Shirley. Rollo. _Nunally_. Lelouch had, in one way or another, been responsible for _their_ deaths too.

Suzaku hadn't said anything. They'd stood there, the nonexistent echo of Lelouch's words bouncing back and forwards between them. The three of them.

Lelouch. Suzaku. CC.

That was ironic. Here, she stood between them – the topmost point of the rough triangle they made up. She knew of what they'd shared. She'd _predicted_ it. She'd watched them as children – as friends. She'd watched them that night, wrapped in each other's arms, at the door to Lelouch's Ashford room – as _more_ than friends. The Geass she'd given to Lelouch had created that. The warped effect of that order he'd given had brought them together.

In a way, CC had pushed them together. She, with a Geass that caused all others to love her, had made them realise that they loved each other.

That was ironic. She seemed to know that. She looked now at Lelouch, her amber eyes glinting impassively.

"_What of it?"_ they said. _"What will you do now? The choice is yours, as you have won. …__**He**__ is yours, if you choose to make him so."_

Lelouch turned and began to walk away.

"Let's go," he said.

It wasn't a suggestion. It was an order. Whether or not either of them followed that order was dependent entirely on either their loyalty or their love. The former for one and the latter for the other.

CC, in accordance with the former, wordlessly followed.

And, after a moment, so did Suzaku Kururugi.

* * *

"I'm going to take over as emperor," Lelouch said casually, later that night.

CC, busy pulling on her old flowing white garb – the first thing he'd ever seen her in – paused.

"I suppose that's best," she agreed, and she put her hands under her hair to tug it out from inside her clothing, shaking it loose down her slender back. "With the Black Knights still active and possibilities of rebellion from Britannian forces, it will be in your interest to be protected by laws."

"The laws that _I'll_ make, you mean." Lelouch smiled icily. "And so anybody who disagrees with me and puts that disagreement into action will therefore be guilty of treason."

CC gave a blasé nod and, after checking her clothing in the mirror, drifted silently out of the room. He shouldn't have been surprised. After regaining her memories, she'd simply gone back to her usual mannerisms: Civil enough to him, and willing to help him scheme from time to time, but largely uninterested in having a real conversation with him.

Which left Lelouch with Suzaku. The other boy was across the room, sitting at the window ledge, looking out at the marbled night sky with his forehead pressed to the cool glass. He appeared to be completely spaced out, and probably hadn't even heard Lelouch's announcement that he was going to take over the throne from his recently-deceased father.

After a very long moment of silence, Lelouch finally spoke:

"You didn't have to come with me, you know."

Suzaku finally raised his head, glancing at him. He opened his mouth, but obviously had nothing to say to that, for he closed it again and simply shrugged.

"So Rollo is dead?" he eventually asked offishly.

Lelouch gave a nod.

"He exerted himself using his Geass. In the end, his heart simply gave out."

"You didn't stop him?"

"He… he wouldn't listen to me."

"That's strange," Suzaku observed quietly. "Usually you're _very_ good at making people listen to you and do whatever you say…"

Lelouch clenched his fists.

"And did you hear about Nunally?" he asked coldly. "She was killed by FREYA."

Suzaku froze up, his jade eyes widening.

"…_FREYA_?" he repeated faintly.

"That despicable weapon the Britannians fired." Lelouch folded himself into a sitting position on the window ledge next to Suzaku. "Forget it," he said, his voice suddenly very distant. "Just forget I mentioned it. I wanted to ask you something, Suzaku."

"What is it?" Suzaku inquired by way of reply, averting his gaze back to the view beyond the window so that he didn't have to look at his friend (the brother of the girl – amongst thousands – he'd murdered).

"Did you hear me say to CC that I will be taking over as emperor?"

Suzaku frowned but still didn't look at him.

"Can you… even _do_ that, Lelouch?"

"Of course. I'm in line for the throne, and I think Schneizel is hardly fit for the position, personally… And I get priority over Princess Cornelia, even though she's older than me, because of my gender."

Suzaku finally looked at him, his green eyes hard and dissecting.

"And what will you do with that kind of power, Lelouch?" he asked.

"Continue to change the world, of course." Lelouch smiled at him. "This world that we _chose_ to live in, Suzaku – because we accept reality."

Suzaku averted his eyes once again.

"And what do you want of me?"

"I want you to be my knight."

Suzaku's head snapped up abruptly.

"I…" He trailed off, staring at Lelouch even as the words failed him. "I… _No_. No, Lelouch. I can't. I can't be your knight."

Lelouch frowned.

"Of course you can, Suzaku," he said, sounding puzzled. "You were a Knight of Rounds, and before that you were Euphemia's personal knight. Of course you can be mine—"

"_No!_ No, I can't." Suzaku had even begun to edge away from the dark-haired boy now. "I'm not talking about… about _ranks_, or… it's just, I just can't be _your_ knight, Lelouch…"

"Why?" Lelouch snapped irritably. "Because I'm _Zero_? Is _that_ it, Suzaku?" He seized the other boy by his wrist. "Forget about Zero, okay? Forget about the Black Knights, forget about Britannia, forget about _Euphy_ for one damned second, will you?!"

"I'm not thinking about those things!" Suzaku spat back. "Because this isn't _about_ any of those things! This is about me and you, Lelouch."

"Yes, it is, and that's why I'm asking you. _You_, Suzaku Kururugi – because you're my friend, and you've been my friend for years, and I trust you, and I…"

"You _what_?" Suzaku pressed coldly the moment Lelouch trailed off; snatching his wrist free.

"Why can't you just do this one thing for me, Suzaku?" Lelouch bit out, avoiding the question.

Suzaku's eyes flashed dangerously.

"You speak as though I have never once done _anything_ for you. But… we both know that isn't true. Don't we?"

"I—"

"In fact, the whole reason I'm even _alive_ right now is because of you. _For_ you."

Lelouch looked at him coldly.

"You sound as though you feel that I have cursed you – when all I did, Suzaku, was stop you from throwing your life away for no reason whatsoever—"

"You _have_ cursed me!" Suzaku hissed savagely. "Do you even _realise_…? That order you gave me all that time ago… I…"

"_What_, Suzaku?" Lelouch asked, both his tone and expression softening as Suzaku buried his head in his hands as though he was sliding into the depths of despair even as they sat there.

The dark-haired boy reached for his friend, gently placing his hands on his shoulders; feeling him shudder beneath his touch.

"_Suzaku_," Lelouch said again, his voice quiet and desperate. "Look at me. Please look at me."

Suzaku did raise his eyes towards him, and for another long moment, there was silence between them – silence, and an understanding, or a memory of an understanding they'd formed all that time ago, that night…

Maybe Lelouch was hoping that the kiss would make Suzaku see the error of his decision, that he was wrong to refuse to be at Lelouch's side always. Maybe Suzaku was hoping that it would numb the pain for those few moments, that it would divert Lelouch's attention away from his refusal to be his knight. Regardless, they seemed to silently and telepathically agree that to kiss should be their next move, so they slowly drew closer together and Lelouch tilted his head a little to one side, still with his hands on Suzaku's broad shoulders, and Suzaku's own hands slid downwards to Lelouch's waist, and just as their mouths were about to meet, Suzaku glanced upwards at the other boy and he caught the violet glint of Lelouch's barely-open eyes—

_But they weren't really violet anymore, were they? They were crimson – both of them, Suzaku had seen Lelouch's right eye also fall victim to Geass, it had happened right in front of him—_

"Get _away_ from me!" Suzaku cried, suddenly thoroughly panicked by Lelouch's proximity; he slammed his palms into the dark-haired boy's chest, shoving him backwards with all of his considerable strength. He knocked Lelouch off the window ledge, sending him to the floor.

"Suzaku!" Lelouch snapped, sitting up; both startled and annoyed by this sudden outburst. He raised himself to his knees, beginning to reach for his friend.

"Don't touch me!" Suzaku screeched, scrambling backwards out of his range. "I don't want your damned Geass… anywhere near me!"

Lelouch heaved himself up, his eyes narrowed.

"Stop being an idiot!" he snapped, advancing on him even as Suzaku shrank back. "The fact that both of my eyes now have Geass doesn't change the fact that I've already used it once on you! I can't use it on you again—"

"It's the _first_ time you used it that has ruined me!" Suzaku yelled at him. "Do you even fucking realise what you've _done_ to me, Lelouch?!"

"Yes, I stopped you from killing yourself…!" Lelouch gave an angry sigh. "And I'm sorry if I went against your wishes – but your wishes were selfish! You can't just throw your life away needlessly when there are people who _love_ you! …_How badly did you want to hurt me?_"

"How can you defend that horrible power?" Suzaku hissed, ignoring Lelouch's question. "It's evil, Lelouch – the power to bend other people's wills to your own? _Why_ can't you see that a power like that is evil?"

"Evil? You think it's evil?" Lelouch gave a sudden haughty smile, pausing to take out first one contact lens, and then the other – to look upon his oldest, most precious friend with a gaze that glowed like the most brilliant of rubies. "I have brought to an end the Britannian occupation of Japan, freed the Japanese people – _your_ people – from their rule, and stopped the plans of my father and mother… and I could do it only through this power that you call "evil", Suzaku."

Suzaku met that gaze – those eyes of ruby with his own of emerald – and was too transfixed by them to respond; but when Lelouch stepped closer to him again, after he'd warned him to keep his Geass away, something inside Suzaku Kururugi snapped.

_(again)_

His hands were already wrapped around Lelouch's slender neck as they hit the floor, Suzaku astride the other boy, pinning him to the carpet with his weight. Lelouch had no hope of getting him off, his struggles with Suzaku's wrists as the former Knight of Britannia began to strangle the life out of him like a mosquito bite to an elephant.

"_FREYA_," Suzaku got out between gritted teeth, crushing Lelouch's throat and satisfied that he'd closed his eyes so that he didn't have to look at them, Geass-inflicted as they were. "Do you understand, Lelouch?! _FREYA!_ _I_ fired it! _I_ killed all those people! _I killed Nunally! _And do you know why?! I wasn't going to fire it, and then… it became apparent that if I _didn't_ fire it, I was going to be killed, and although my life would have been a small price to pay in return for the saved lives of all those civilians… the order you gave me took over my will, and I fired it to preserve myself." Suzaku tightened his grip further, feeling Lelouch falling limp beneath him as he neared unconsciousness. "Do you get it, Lelouch?! You _forced_ me to fire it! All those people were killed because _you ordered me to survive!_"

Suzaku abruptly let go of Lelouch's neck, panting heavily. The dark-haired boy coughed as air flooded back into his lungs, brought back from the brink of passing out by the suddenness of it; he twisted his body underneath Suzaku, resting his forehead on the carpet as he continued to gasp and splutter.

Suzaku was neither sorry nor satisfied that he'd attempted to choke him, and it didn't make him feel any better or any worse. He wordlessly got off him, and as he removed his weight, Lelouch curled up, breathing laboriously.

Suzaku headed for the door, thinking it was probably better for him to leave for now. No doubt Lelouch now wanted Suzaku near him even _less_ than Suzaku wanted Lelouch.

"Suzaku," Lelouch coughed as Suzaku got to the threshold.

"What?" Suzaku asked tersely, glancing back over his shoulder; Lelouch was kneeling up now, his back to him.

"Be… my knight," Lelouch said softly. "Please."

Suzaku faltered.

"No," he replied finally. Firmly. And as, he left, added; "I can't."

* * *

They'd largely avoided each other since then. Suzaku felt that he should apologise but couldn't bring himself to say the words – and maybe Lelouch would expect him to agree to be his knight by way of apology.

Lelouch himself, perhaps, was simply keeping away from him so that he wouldn't be strangled again.

There was still a stressed pact of silence between them when they eventually moved, over a week later, to the palace of the Vi Britannia bloodline, in accordance with Lelouch's promise to take his father's place as emperor. CC undoubtedly sensed but ignored the presence of their spat, making herself quite at home almost immediately.

But of course, this had been CC's home once – with Charles and Marianne and VV.

It had been Lelouch's home too, so he seemed to settle in well – perhaps it was merely a show, but whether it was or wasn't, he surely couldn't have been as uncomfortable here as Suzaku. Even as a Knight of Rounds, he had never truly been comfortable between these walls.

He'd brought Lelouch before his own father, forcing his face into the floor of the throne room of this very palace, keeping his eye covered, but even then he'd shuddered inwardly with abhorrence of these walls – and of the man before them. He'd hated Lelouch's father as much as Lelouch himself had.

The second day they were there, Suzaku happened upon Lelouch in that very same throne room – sitting in the throne itself. His slender hands grasped the ornate wooden arms and his dark head was bowed, his fine hair all falling forward to obscure his face.

Suzaku silently entered the room, closing the door gently behind him. Lelouch didn't hear him, keeping his head low even as the brunette walked up the length of the throne room, stopping before the steps ascending to the throne in which he sat, lost in his own thoughts.

Suzaku bowed to him; lowering his own head and descending onto one knee before him.

Lelouch sensed this movement, probably because Suzaku was now so close to him – or maybe he'd just been pretending that he hadn't noticed him before. Either way, his head jerked up and he glared at Suzaku.

"Stand up!" he snapped immediately.

Suzaku did so, slowly rising and meeting Lelouch's eyes – violet again, tinted so by his contact lenses.

"Are you mocking me?" Lelouch demanded, his voice low and furious.

"Of course not," Suzaku replied levelly.

It wasn't a lie – but it also wasn't the truth, because Suzaku didn't really know himself. Maybe it was simply because he'd been Lelouch's friend since they were little, because he knew his weaknesses and failings better than anyone, but he found it very difficult to accept him as an emperor.

Regardless, over a week later, the bruises on Lelouch's pale throat were still very dark.

* * *

Lelouch was the one to break the ice. Usually so meticulous in his dealings with other people, Suzaku had finally annoyed him to the point where he banged on his door at one in the morning, demanding that he let him in.

Suzaku took a while to answer the door – probably he'd been thinking to ignore it, but Lelouch wasn't taking no for an answer. When he did, he was still dressed – evidence that he hadn't yet gone to bed.

"What do you want?" he asked irritably, blocking the doorway with his body so that Lelouch couldn't force his way in.

"I want to talk to you. Let me in."

"No. We can talk tomorrow." Suzaku had already begun to close the door.

"_Now_, Suzaku!" Lelouch demanded.

Suzaku angrily swung the door fully open again, almost hitting Lelouch in the face with it.

"What the _hell_ makes you think you have the right to give me orders?!" he seethed. "Whether it's with Geass or not, I do _not_ have to do what you say, Lelouch!"

"I'm only phrasing this as an order because you're being so difficult!" Lelouch snapped back. "If you won't even talk to me, then I don't know why you're here!"

"Neither do I! I _hate_ it here!"

Lelouch was stunned into silence by that.

"Suzaku," he said finally and quietly, "talk to me. Please. If you won't let me in then come with me."

Suzaku hesitated for a long moment, and he thought about simply slamming the door in Lelouch's face; but eventually he stepped out of the room and calmly closed the door behind him. Lelouch gave him a small smile which he didn't return; only followed him wordlessly down the dark corridor.

CC watched them go, her arms folded. Their relationship amused her greatly, mostly because she didn't really understand it.

Even more amusing was the fact that she was certain that neither of _them_ really understood it, either.

—

If Suzaku was impressed by the size and décor of Lelouch's room (more of a whole suite, really), he didn't show it. The room that Lelouch had given him had been sizable itself, certainly, and not without its luxurious touches, but this was the largest room in the place. Lelouch had taken it for himself because he knew Suzaku wouldn't have accepted it anyway and CC had simply made for the room that had once been hers.

The brunette's gaze did fall, however, upon the ornate white robes hanging from the wardrobe door. He went over to them, lifting one of the sleeves as Lelouch shut the bedroom door.

"I… found them in the wardrobe," Lelouch said, almost defensively.

"Emperor's robes," Suzaku said absently.

"Yes."

"Are you going to wear them?"

"I'll be expected to, once I've taken the position."

Suzaku finally turned to him.

"You're… you really _are_ serious about this, aren't you?" he stated rather than asked, his voice quiet.

Lelouch gave a shrug.

"I don't think I have a choice, Suzaku. I have a right to the throne, and if _I_ don't take it, Schneizel will."

Suzaku didn't reply.

"Why won't you be my knight?" Lelouch asked, flinging the question at him out of nowhere; hoping to startle him into an honest answer.

"Don't start this again, Lelouch—"

"Just give me an answer. You say that you can't, but that explains nothing."

"Because of FREYA!" Suzaku cried. "Do you not understand, Lelouch? I alone am responsible for the deaths of all the people FREYA killed, because I fired it to save myself – and because of the Geass _you_ put on me! I can't forgive you, and no-one should forgive _me_."

"Suzaku, the blame for that weapon lies with Britannia," Lelouch replied firmly. "With whoever created it. If it had not been built, then you could not have fired it. Whatever happens now regarding FREYA… it is _not_ your fault."

Suzaku looked at him helplessly.

"How can you be so mercenary about it?" he asked softly.

"Because nothing can be done now. Suzaku, I wish that you hadn't fired it. All those people – Nunally included – lost their lives for no reason. It was nothing but a pointless, desperate measure on Britannia's part. But the damage is done, and no matter how painful that damage is, it cannot be undone. Remember that we chose the future, Suzaku. My parents offered a false world and we refused it, despite the pain that false world would have relieved."

Suzaku turned away, grasping his own elbows.

"Why does everyone treat me with such kindness, despite all the horrible things I've done?" he whispered, more to himself.

"This is why I put the Geass on you to begin with," was Lelouch's brusque answer to that, even though Suzaku hadn't really been addressing him. "Because you think you're worthless. Because you think people should hate you. Because, Suzaku, you think yourself not even worthy to be alive." The dark-haired boy gave sad little sigh. "…I'm sorry for all the pain it's caused you," he went on, his voice quieter. "I'm sorry that I forced you to obey my wishes. I wish that I had never had to use it on you, but I… it was all I could think of to do. I didn't want you to die. I… couldn't _bear_ the thought of you… just not being there anymore." Lelouch suddenly grabbed desperately at Suzaku's arm. "How could you do that to me? You're my best friend, I didn't want to lose you – how could you be so fucking _selfish_, Suzaku?!"

Suzaku turned back to him wordlessly. Lelouch was now smiling at him – an odd, sad smile, and there were tears in his eyes.

"I'm so glad you're not dead," he murmured. "Don't _you_ understand? I'm so happy… that you're still alive, Suzaku, because you're all I have left now. Nunally's gone. You're all I have."

"Nunally is dead _because_ of me," Suzaku said bitterly.

"But I forgive you." Lelouch gave a small shake of his head. "And I don't blame you. It wasn't your fault." He grasped Suzaku's shoulders again (as he had almost two weeks ago now). "You're the only one who doesn't understand that," he pressed. "You don't seem to understand any of it. I need you. That's why I ordered you to survive – to live on, for _me_, because I needed you then, and I need you now, more than ever. More than anything."

They were embracing then. Clinging to each other tightly, wrapped in one another's arms, as though trying to become one. Even to both of them, it wasn't clear who had made the first move, who had taken who into their arms to begin with. It didn't matter.

What mattered was that they knew it was over. The war between the Britannians and the Black Knights was over. They were no longer at odds, with a battlefield between them. They were no longer a Britannian and an Eleven.

Simply Lelouch Lamperouge and Suzaku Kururugi.

Lelouch kissed him, then squirmed out of his grip and pulled him over towards the bed, leading him up the steps of the raised part of floor on which the king-sized four-poster rested. He collapsed onto it backwards, pulling Suzaku down with him; the brunette boy landed on top of him, recapturing his mouth as he felt Lelouch's hands beneath him, hunting for his belt. He preoccupied his own hands with Lelouch's collar, slipping the buttons undone and loosening the fabric away from his throat—

The bruises were still there. Fainter, but very much still there.

Suzaku sat back in silence, gazing at them. It must have been agony. He had put almost all of his strength into it. Had Lelouch been afraid? Had he thought that Suzaku really would kill him…?

"I love you," Lelouch said, knowing he was looking at the bruises.

Suzaku raised his jade eyes towards him.

"Don't say things like that," he replied softly. "After I—"

"I _do_. I do love you." Lelouch reached up for him, eyes almost pleading. "I've hurt you just as much, Suzaku. More so. Maybe you don't have the bruises to show for it, but I've caused you pain too. Let's just agree: No more."

Suzaku hesitated, then finally gave a grim nod.

"Yes," he agreed softly. "No more." He finally leaned down towards the smaller boy again. "…I love you too."

Lelouch smiled up at him.

"I'm so glad," he replied softly.

—

"I love you," Lelouch murmured again when it was over, "…so, so much, Su… Suzaku…"

He said it as Suzaku collapsed next to him under the sheets, panting; he nuzzled against him, and Suzaku wrapped his strong arms around his much more delicate frame, pulling him close to jealously guard every inch of him. His silky dark hair and his pale skin and his eyes, sometimes amethyst, sometimes ruby…

"Mm," Suzaku mumbled contentedly. He rubbed Lelouch's back. "…That was wonderful…"

"You didn't answer… my question, though."

Suzaku frowned, opening his eyes.

"What question?"

"Doesn't matter." Lelouch smiled. "This is the third time… we've—"

"I know." Suzaku wasn't to be so easily distracted. "What was your question? I didn't… hear you ask me anything…"

"I asked… if you would be my knight."

"I didn't hear… I mean, I didn't—"

"I didn't think you would." Lelouch suddenly became very interested in his palm. "It doesn't matter…"

"I will."

Lelouch glanced up at him wordlessly.

"No, I really will, Lelouch. I've… changed my mind. I'll be your knight. You said you needed me, so… I'll protect you." Suzaku grinned at him. "I'll survive for you, so that I can fulfil my duty as your knight."

Lelouch smirked.

"I didn't realise you could be so… _easily persuaded_, Suzaku Kururugi," he said fondly, his tone a little mocking all the same.

"I suppose _someone_ has to help you up all those steps to the throne," Suzaku replied complacently.

Lelouch gave a haughty snort; then sat up in bed, leaning against the headboard.

"What's the matter?" Suzaku asked, propping himself up on one elbow.

"Nothing." Lelouch looked at him. "…We chose this – this, over a world where there would be no pain. We chose the future, Suzaku. And _this_… this is that future. And there may be pain, there may be sadness, but…" He smiled at his oldest and very best friend; the boy that he loved, and had always loved. "…We'll be alright, Suzaku. Because we're together, and we can _always_ be together now."

Suzaku nodded.

"Yes, we'll be alright, Lelouch," he replied softly. "You and I… We'll survive."

**END**

* * *

…Aaaaaaand it's over! I know I keep on saying that, but I really _mean_ it this time! I think this time around this really does seem like a proper ending, anyway…

Well, if _Sunrise_ are going to stick in a whole undocumented month, during which Suzaku and Lelouch magically make up, Lelouch becomes Emperor and Suzaku is suddenly his knight, then _of course_ people like me are going to write fics like this. This is why the _Death Note_ section is primarily dominated by LxLight/LightxL Chain Arc fics – because Ohba and Obata chained them together and then had a MASSIVE, UNDETERMINED TIME SKIP to October, where, lo and behold, they were still chained together.

Oh well, at least CC was back this chapter, albeit briefly. I guess I just enjoy putting in her snide observations of Lelouch's extremely-gay-even-in-canon relationship with Suzaku. I sure miss Rollo these days, though…

(Yes, I know Nunally is actually alive. Like we didn't see _that_ coming… Bet she has Geass or something, too.)

Heh, anyway, sorry I keep jerking you all around with this fic. Thanks for reading!

- RobinRocks xXx


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